Epic Battle
by shotofwhiskey
Summary: A bit of silliness. Now updated! Again! Blaine falls victim to ANGST and his mom gives him alcohol. Of course Blaine drunk-dials Kurt! Of course Kurt is exasperated about it! Oh man, there's so much space for summaries now! :O
1. BLAINE VS THE WRITER

I was gonna do the next chapter for 7days but decided to write this instead.

IT'S A PARODY.

:D

* * *

><p>It is a glorious day in LIMA OHIO. So glorious it hurts to be alive. And oh how it hurts so good.<p>

Two adorable boys are walking down the street, hand in hand, singing a song from the first classic musical the author found using Google. The author unfortunatly does not have the attention span to even look up the Wikipedia article on this mystery musical, so the context of the song may be a bit weird, so we won't reveal what exactly they're singing. Also the author would like to apologize for breaking the fourth wall and promises to fix it. Sometime.

The two singing adorable boys, who are obviously boyfriends and therefore obviously Kurt and Blaine, stop in mid-frolick.

"Kurt?" Blaine says dramatically.

Kurt looks over at his FUCKING GORGEOUS boyfriend. "Yes?"

"Where are we going, anyway?"

Kurt appears to consider this. There are a lot of places they could go. Lima is a bustling suburban town, apparently. It has it's own high school, after all. They could go to a movie, an art gallery, a comic book store, they could eat lunch at one of the dozens of fast food joints downtown, they could ride bikes down the bike trail, they could go to the park and swing, they could go to Walmart like any self-respecting teenager and be obnoxious (the author regrets further breakage of the fourth wall to tell you she works at Walmart and really wishes you idiot teenagers would stay home and smoke pot instead of go to where she works and make a huge mess of everything), they could go to the music store, or they could go to a boutique and try on silly hats. Or they could go to the Lima Bean again, or Breadstix. They could go home and make out, even. That last one sounds nice.

"Let's go back to my place and make out," Kurt says with a wily grin.

BUT NO.

Like a COMET COMING IN FOR A CRASH LANDING, a mysterious stranger falls to Earth right before the eyes of the most adorable gay couple ever. "NOT SO FAST!" says the stranger, who stands upright and is revealed to be wearing a cliched Marvel Comic-style supervillian spandex outfit. Emblazened on his chest is THE WRITER.

"Gasp!" says Kurt, clinging to the very macho Blaine like a swooning 1950's damsel in distress. "It's THE WRITER, here to ruin our day! Do something, Blaine!"

Blaine looks very confused, and also very nervous about being put on the spot. "W-what should I do?"

"NOTHING!" The Writer says, "Resistance is futile!"

"Engage him in an RPG STYLE TURN BATTLE!" Kurt suggests, looking a bit manic.

"A what?" Blaine sputters.

"Or you could smoke pot and protest PETA and be a dick in general in your off-time, that way they'll write your character off the show!"

"That sounds eerily similar to commiting suicide!" Blaine replies in shock. He has way too many things to live for; awesome 70's music, butterflies, Kurt wearing super-super-tight pants, etc etc.

"But then you can put your talent to good use, instead of working for people who'll autotune you to death!"

"THE WRITER WANTS TO BATTLE!" says The Writer in an Epic Voice (TM).

"I'm too handsome to die!" Blaine whines at Kurt.

"At least you won't die a virgin," Kurt supplies wisely. "I mean, maybe you could fight for my virtue or whatever. The Power of Love will save us."

Blaine is disturbed by the goings-on here, but is distracted from scrunching his nose up all cute-like by The Writer.

"DO YOU ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE? YOU HAD BETTER 'CAUSE IT WOULD BE SUPER RUDE IF YOU DIDN'T."

Kurt gasps, super shocked. "That was a low blow!"

"RUDENESS?" Blaine says, simply _aghast_, positively _flabberghasted _and/or _gobsmacked_, "I would rather die than be rude to someone!"

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED THEN, BITCH!"

"Whatever!" Blaine scoffs as he enters his ANGRY TEENAGER mindframe.

"THE WRITER uses FANGIRL ATTACK!" The Writer shouts, and suddenly a mass of 15-year-old girls come running in from all directions and pounce on Blaine.

"AAAAH OMGOMGOMG WE LOVE YOU YOU ARE "

"FUCK," Blaine cries as he is smothered by Fangirl Love. The girls scream in orgasm when he cusses.

"Victory shall be mine!" The Writer says.

Blaine gathers his wits. "Fine, you wanna mess with me? I am BLAINE FUCKING ANDERSON." More fangirl screams. One or two of them drop dead from sheer lack of oxygen. "GIRLS, GIRLS," he says to his legion of minions, "That guy ships KURTOFSKY and SEBLAINE!"

The fangirls are silenced, and the silence is so eerie. They turn slowly to face The Writer, who tries to maintain his smug grin. As the girls begin to froth at the mouth and twitch compulsively, the smug grin fades into a look that can only be described as "oooh fuuuck"

The girls pounce on The Writer, flinging hateful rants from tumblr at him like so many bricks. While that's happening, Kurt snaps out of his daydream about all the scarves he's gonna wear next week to fuss over Blaine.

"Looks like your Shipwars Attack was effective," Kurt says dryly to Blaine, who is seething.

"I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW KURT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA."

"I gathered as much," Kurt mutters. He kisses the scratches from the fangirl's nails away, and uses a _fucking silk handkercheif _to wipe away their bubblegum Lip Smackers kisses.

"HE SAID I WAS RUDE. I AM A FUCKING GENTLEMAN, I AM SO FUCKING DAPPER I OWN A POCKET WATCH. AND IT'S NOT EVEN BECAUSE I'M INTO STEAMPUNK, KURT, IT'S BECAUSE I AM A DAPPER MOTHERFUCKER."

"I know, honey. I know. You are such a gentleman. I'll let you hold all the doors open for me for the next month if that'll make you feel better."

Blaine comes down from his rage a little bit. "...Can I pull your chairs out, too? And let you pick the music we listen to when we drive to and from school?" he asks timidly.

"Of course." And then they kiss, and it is super hot and loving and everything your wet dreams are made of. Yes, you. I saw all that Klaine smut in your browser history. Anyway, unfortunatly you are not allowed to see this epic make-out because The Writer has a dastardly plan to explain.

So, The Writer has managed to shake off the fangirls with a three-week hiatus. They are all sitting on the ground sobbing pitifully, checking their tumblrs obsessively for any scrap of a spoiler. A few girls are moaning, probably hallucinating, begging for a fic update from an author who doesn't suck. Which isn't this author, thank God. I couldn't deal with that kind of pressure. ANYWAY. The Writer says, "I'm not done yet! I have to make people not like this couple so we can split you up at the end of the season without there being riots on the Fox lot! There is no other way!"

Kurt and Blaine look to each other, not at all shocked at The Writer doing bad exposition.

"CRAB ATTACK!" The Writer cries, and Sebastard Smiley-Face Himself III, Esq. materializes out of a pile of greasy trash on the side of the road.

"Hey babeh," Sub Sandwich says to Blaine, "you are so sexy. Since I'm blatantly hitting on you, the fans will mindlessly start shipping us, and it's only a matter of time until SEBLAINE is endgame and KURT HUMMEL is living in a box outside of the Lima Bean! It's not like you spent the entire last part of season two practically worshipping the ground your boyfriend walked on! It's not even like you two have the only non-dysfunctional relationship in the canon! ! Muahaha! _VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!_"

Blaine then uses his DALTON FIGHT CLUB attack and punches Sesame Seed in his stupid face.

"Oooow! Oooh, ow, my stupid face!" Santa Baby howls. "Ooh, that hurts sooo bad... oh my God..."

The Writer stands shocked. His crazy fangirl attack failed to scare Blaine away, his Crab Attack failed to lure him into a character-damaging plot-i-mean-relationship. In fact, the fangirls are more crazy about Klaine than ever and Sebluhbuh is a man broken.

"It's not like you had any redeeming characteristics, anyway!" Blaine shouts at System Error. "And Sebastian is a STUPID name!"

"YOUR NAME IS STUPID!" Sierra Mist counters. "What kind of name is BLAINE? It's like a go-to Gary Stu name! Like Hunter or Adonis or whatever!"

"It's a Celtic name! My name has fucking culture! Your name means you are a singing crab that tattles on Ariel for trying to acheive her dream of going up on land and falling in love! And since I am for some reason obsessed with Disney to the point of needing rehab, that makes me NOT LIKE YOU VERY MUCH."

Sebehbeh then proceeds to weep. His soul is broken in twain by the might of Blaine's awesomeness and it is truly a thing of glory.

Anyway, back to that other shit.

The Writer scowls angrily. Because there is more than one way to scowl! "This isn't over yet, you hear me? THIS ISN'T OVER YET!" A fancy car driven by Troll Murphy rolls up, and The Writer gets in, and they speed away cackling madly.

Blaine looks over at Kurt, who is sitting off to the side with his phone out. "Hey, Kurt! I think I beat the writers of Glee!"

Kurt looks up, "Oh, did you? That's awesome honey. I just got a text that I was accepted to a different fine arts college than NYADA! I guess they do that by text now."

"I thought you only applied at NYADA?" Blaine asks as he walks over to his adorable boyfriend.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not stupid. That NYADA place turned out to be a scam, anyway. They wanted me to pay a whole year's tuition and fees upfront via money order. No, I got accepted to an accredited and respected art college in Chicago, so even after I'm in college I can still come see you! And Chicago is better than New York, anyway. They have better blues in Chicago."

"So true," Blaine says.

And then they make out, and the author was totally gonna describe it. Instead, the author is super lazy right now and points you in the direction of a gif version of THE KISS; just imagine it ten times hotter, maybe with some frottage and missing shirts and taking place in the middle of a really weird fever dream.

oh man :x

AND THAT, that was the story of how Blaine one-upped the writers of Glee and Klaine got their happy fucking ending.

THE END. MAYBE. DUN DUN DUNNN

* * *

><p>This was terrible. Oh well. Hopefully it made you giggle a little. :) Damn those Glee writers. *shakefist* Good thing Blaine is level 50 already.<p>

Review to cram a rare candy down his throat! :D :D :D We need to up his stats! PROTEIN AND CALCIUM. YUMM.

k done. i am so out of my mind rn. i am so sorry. lol


	2. KURT VS FERAL FANGIRLS

This has been sitting around unfinished for... like... ages. It's still unfinished but I'm tired of sitting on it like this. Here, you have it. mneh. It's probably not as good as the first one because 1. I am way too lazy rn to spell check, 2. the end is pretty much 'AND THEN THEY DID THIS AND THAT'S THE END", and 3. i really don't care anymore. It all sucks so whatever.

* * *

><p>KURT VS. THE FERAL FANGIRLS<p>

* * *

><p>WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR GAY HEROES, Blaine had just delivered the ass-whopin' of the century to THE WRITER, who ran off with Troll Murphy to make a terrible TV show about something I don't care about that's supposed to be creepy, but is really just all SEXSEXSEX! SCARYTHING MORESEX! Somehow we are not shocked.<p>

At the present moment Kurt and Blaine are once again, _for the love of GOD_, hanging out at the Lima Bean. Really, since the author has yet to fix the fourth wall, she's just gonna hop right in here and say that she hopes the Lima Bean has some kind of point card, wherein you buy twelve coffees and you get a free cupid cookie, or a back massage, or like a free t-shirt or SOMETHING. These boys ought to be swimming in Lima Bean swag at this point. At the very least all that caffiene ought to have given one of them a freaking UTI, but that's gross so that's not gonna happen. Maybe next time they have a date they'll get crazy and have dinner at Breadstix! Insanity!

So anyway, Kurt and Blaine are getting their heroin-I-mean-coffee fix at the Lima Bean. They are minding their own bzns, being super cute and couple-y, gazing lovingly at each other. Of course, Blaine leans over to give Kurt a nice little kiss, but we are afraid of the viewer's sensitivities and we are going to pan away and focus on a fat soccer mom having her third caramel machiatto and reading Cosmo, so that you can just see Blaine lean over. Maybe he's sticking his tongue right down Kurt's throat, or maybe he's just whispering something platonic in nature. Maybe Glee is supposed to be treating gay couples the same as straight couples, or maybe Glee is full of shit. WHO KNOWS.

As Kurt recovers from being ravished, because seriously RIB+ we're not fucking stupid, Blaine leans back in his chair and is all smug because he knows he's a sexy motherfucker. Before he can say something adorable and snarky-but-well-meaning about the effect his sweet, sweet kisses have on his gorgeous bf, his DAPPER SENSES start a-tingling.

"Hey, Kurt. Do you feel like we're being gawked at?"

Kurt gives his head a little, miniscule shake. He certainly wouldn't want to mess up his hair! He'd have to get out his hairspray and slide-rule and like ten diagrams. EVERY HAIR MUST BE IN THE CORRECT PLACE. "Uh.. I dunno. Why?"

"Well," Blaine says, looking around with shifty eyes, "you know staring at people is _so rude_, so you know how that makes me antsy."

"Right," Kurt says.

"Well I'm feeling antsy. Like someone is staring at me."

Kurt joins Blaine in looking around, but Kurt doesn't give a shit so he's more blatant about it. Blaine starts hissing at Kurt to not be so freaking obvious but Kurt Hummel is a BAMF and does what the fuck he wants.

Kurt spots a group of teenaged girls sitting in the corner, all huddled around their table, each with a laptop open to tumblr. Instead of looking at their laptops with zoned-out expressions (typical of _fannus girlius_ in their natural habitat), the girls are staring unblinkingly at Blaine. They all look certifiably BATSHIT. Kurt knows that these are fangirls. A particular breed of fangirls. FERAL FANGIRLS. He turns slowly to Blaine, who is hunkered down in his chair in an attempt to hide from the staring. "Blaine. Don't freak out. It's fangirls."

"Oh my God," Blaine says, his eyes going wide in fear. "What kind? Is it just excitable-but-well-meaning fangirls? Cause I can just sign some shit, give a few awkward hugs and do some uncomfortable-looking photos to get away from those."

"No," Kurt says.

"Are they the serious-business kind, then? The ones that have a PhD in fandom wank and want to wax philosophical about how I changed their life?"

"No again," Kurt says.

Blaine tuts. He hates this freaking game. "Okay... Are they the crazy ones that scream every time I do something commonplace like cuss or lick my lips or whatever?"

"No," Kurt says, "but to be fair it is really sexy when you do those things. I'm gonna tell you, since you suck at guessing and I'm getting impatient. It's feral fangirls."

"WHAT," Blaine says, really loud so that conversation in the Lima Bean Church of Klaine haults for a second. He blushes and tries to ignore all the staring going on right now. He might combust. That would be just terrible, leaving that big mess for the Lima Bean employees to clean up.

The fangirls seem to sense that our boys are talking about them. They immediately start making their way over; some of them hobbling sluggishly, some of them go all Spiderman and start climbing the walls, some of them just fall onto the floor and start spasming in fangirl overload.

"BLAAAINE~" they wail like zombies. "WE LOOOVE YOU"

"Holy shit," Blaine says, "What do we do, Kurt?"

"I suggest beating their asses down."

"But that would be so rude!" Blaine flaps his hands around frantically. "They're the ones that pay thirty bucks for a freaking fake silk, made-in-Vietnam-by-lepers tie that's a knock-off of a Warblers tie, they're the ones that make my shows sell out, they're the ones that put me where I am now!"

Kurt cocks his adorable head to the side with a very cute little frown, looking like the most precious little fuzzy kitten you ever did see. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I don't even know!" Blaine cries.

But then the fangirls are upon them. They pounce on Blaine and it's like a dog pile, with his little hobbit ass somewhere near the bottom. He cries out as they pile on top of him, all of them screaming gibberish and grabbing at whatever part of him they can. The girls are screaming and wailing like banshees and Blaine's voice is mingled in with them, shouting "GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF I CAN'T BREATHE OH MY GOD"

Kurt simply sits there, watching, with a disgusted look on his face. He lifts his feet off the floor as a fangirl rolls away with what looks like a scrap of Blaine's freaking shirt. She presses it to her face and sniffs it deeply, her eyes crossing. Kurt decides to ignore her once she starts petting it and speaking lovingly to it.

After taking a sip of his coffee, inspecting his nails, realizing he needs a manicure, and then deciding he'll schedule himself an appointment later, Kurt says offhandedly, "You okay down there, honey?"

"GOD, NO," Blaine says, his arm flying out between two writhing fangirl bodies, his hand grasping desperately for anything that'll pull him the fuck out. "THERE ARE BOOBS IN MY FACE, FUCK MY LIFE!"

"And you thought you were bisexual," Kurt says with a chuckle.

"HELP ME, PLEASE," Blaine says, always a gentleman.

"Oh all right. For crying out loud, Blaine, you could just grow a pair and tell them to fuck off. When fangirls start stalking you, it's time to be a dick." Kurt sighs and sets his coffee down. Then he walks over to the rabid pile of fangirls.

And then Kurt turns the BAMF up to eleven.

"Pardon me, ladies!" he says in his falsely-sweet bitch voice, and the girls all stop to look up at him with unfocused eyes. "I'll have to ask you disgusting, classless swine to stop manhandling my boyfriend. You see there is a line with fandom, and you girls must have left it behind, along with your sanity and social lives. If you don't get your unwashed hands off my man I won't hesitate to slaughter you like the cows you are with my secret ninja skills."

The girls start backing away slowly from Blaine, who lays dazed on the floor, his clothes all ripped up.

One of the fangirls gets to her feet. "You're just jealous that you don't have as much sex appeal as Blaine! You're an asexual stereotype that The Writer uses as a soap box!"

The other fangirls gasp at her tenacity. Blaine's jaw drops. "Oooh no she didn't," he says. "Oh man I am getting the fuck outta here." And he promptly scrambles up onto his bare feet (the fangirls stole his grandpa shoes) and dives behind the counter where the Lima Bean employees are cowering.

Kurt has that look on his face, you know the one. It's that look he gets whenever he lays eyes on that slimey douchebag, Seblister Smallpox. "Oh, bitch, I hope you have insurance."

* * *

><p>Much much later, Kurt and Blaine are sitting in the rubble of the Lima Bean, talking to the police.<p>

"Oh, officer," Kurt sighs dramatically, "I don't know what happened. One minute Blaine and I were doing homework and making plans to volunteer at an old folk's home, and doing many other cliched 'wholesome' things, when suddenly a pack of rabid girls showed up."

Blaine, who is still mostly naked, nods. "Yeah, yeah. They were wearing leather jackets! They came in on motorcycles! They smoked _cigarettes_! Clearly they were bad people!"

"Clearly," one of the officers says, and he nods to Kurt, prompting him to continue.

"So anyway, they came in and challenged Blaine and I to a game of Bullshit."

The second officer, who is taking notes, raises a hand. "Now wait a minute, fellas. What's Bullshit? Sounds DUBIOUS."

Kurt and Blaine feign surprise and shock at this. "Oh, no!" Blaine says. "It's just a card game! Honest, it's just a card game."

Kurt nudges Blaine to get him to shut up. "Yes, it's a card game. The bad girls challenged us and we accepted. And needless to say, after several grueling hours of lies and deceit, and a lot of coffee, Blaine and I emerged the victors."

"They didn't like that," Blaine says in a hushed voice. "They got really mad."

"They were crazy!" Kurt cries.

"Insane!" Blaine also cries.

"Okay, boys," the first officer says. "I think that'll be enough for now. Don't you worry, we'll find these bad kids and haul them off to juvie. That'll show 'em." And then the cops leave.

Kurt sighs in relief. "That was close."

"Yeah, no kidding!" Blaine hisses. "Kurt, _you blew up the Lima Bean!_"

Kurt shrugs. "It needed a remodel anyway."

"I'm not even sure _how_ you blew up the Lima Bean!"

"Very simple, really. Have you even seen _Sucker Punch_? Tie a stick of dynamite to a propane tank!"

"You tied a _pipe bomb_ to a _molotov cocktail!_" Blaine shouts, his eyes bugging out.

"Well, I was all out of dynamite after the run-in we had with the Kurtofsky shippers." Kurt says calmly, inspecting his nails. "That reminds me, honey, we need to get some more dynamite. Put it on the list for me, please."

Blaine groans, but pulls his phone out all the same. He finds their shopping list. Well, the shopping list he keeps for Kurt, anyway.

_Stuff We Need_

_Gunpowder_

_Glitter and Sequins_

_New Hot Glue Gun because FINN BROKE MY OLD ONE. NEVER FORGET_

_Machine Gun_

_Napalm (generic brand)_

_Gummy Bears_

_Those cinnamon bun flavored lollipops Blaine likes so much_

Blaine gets all excited at the mention of his favorite candy, but remembers he is supposed to be exasperated. So he rolls his eyes and types in 'dynamite'. "How many sticks do you want?" he asks, with the air of someone who has just given up.

"Oh, I don't know..." Kurt says loftily. "We got, what, twenty last time? With all this drama going on we'll need at least fifty."

Blaine just nods once and adds 'dynamite x 50' to their shopping list. "Okay. So, what else were we gonna do today?"

Kurt taps his chin, staring skywards as he thinks. "Hmmm... We could always go have mindblowing kinky sex."

Blaine sighs and leans sadly against Kurt. "We had mindblowing kinky sex last night. Can't we have sweet, meaningful sex tonight?"

"I don't feel like it very much," Kurt says. "All this exploding and shit has gotten me all riled up. I am like full to the brim with testosterone. I will meet you half way, though, if you'd like."

"Yeah?" Blaine says, perking up a bit. "How do you plan on doing that?"

* * *

><p>It is later (again), probably after dinner. Kurt and Blaine are sitting on the couch of the Hummel-Hudson living room, watching the obligitory Disney movie. Blaine is all snuggled up on Kurt, obviously. And Kurt is obviously playing with Blaine's hair, which is obviously free of gel. It would be a perfect moment with the Klaine theme song playing in the background if it wasn't for Blaine's pout.<p>

"I thought we were gonna have meaningful sex. I thought 'meeting me half way' meant AT LEAST a blowjob," he says.

Kurt tuts softly and shakes his head. "No, we're going to lay here and cuddle. You're supposed to be a cuddle whore, remember?"

Blaine just sighs. "Yeah, I guess," he mutters into Kurt's thousand-dollar silk pajama shirt. "I just... I really wanted that blow job."

"BLAINE, SHUSH," Kurt snaps, flailing his hands around. "Pocahontas is about to sing Just Around The Riverbend. We have to sing along. It is a rule now."

And with that, they sang along to a Disney movie whilst Blaine lamented not getting a nice, quality BJ. THE END HOORAY!

* * *

><p>that's it. i would do a better ending but no one's gonna fucking read this pile of shit. OH WELL<p>

find me on tumblr? artistwriterloverfighter dot tumblr dot com. I follow back! :D


	3. BLAINE VS ANGST

WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS

MORE EPIC BATTLE

:/

* * *

><p>BLAINE VS ANGST<p>

* * *

><p>So, it's been a long, hard season for Blaine.<p>

So far this year he's transferred schools and left behind all his friends (you know, the ones that worshipped him as their god, going as far as to create their own religion around him called The Warblers), he's been told, very rudely mind you, to SIT DOWN by Finn on many occasions, he's had to deal with that stereotypical douche bag Seblunder hitting on him. Sure he got laid for the first time this year (Afterwords, as he lay in post-coitus bliss with the very sexy Kurt, outwardly he said "that was the most amazing thing ever, including butterflies." Inwardly, he said "FUCK THAT WAS MINDBLOWING CAN WE GO AGAIN LET'S GO AGAIN") but even then, he made a total ass of himself drunk, AGAIN, and he's starting to think he might need to not drink anymore. Ever. He's seriously considering swearing off Nyquil, even. And then, of course, he accidently gave the entire sectionals set list to the competition making everyone HATE him. it was just AWFUL. He cried and cried and punched things. Punched lots of things. Hopefully his dad still hasn't noticed the hole in the wall behind the plastic tree in the hallway.

And then Sebubs tossed a slushie in his face that had freaking rock salt- ROCK SALT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, IS THIS KID IN THE MAFIA OR SOMETHING -and nearly blinded him! He had to have _surgery_! He didn't even get like a sticker or a lollipop or ANYTHING afterwords! Just a prescription for Vicodin and an eyepatch. He feels slightly better when he remembers getting that heart-shaped eyepatch at the dubious store at the mall, because really. How could that not be more perfect.

After that fiasco, he had been hoping that the bullshit would stop. After all, wasn't this supposed to be the magical year of Klaine, where he and his darling boyfriend make out in front of dozens of their peers, instantly causing at least half the Glee club to realize their gayness (Blaine seriously wishes Puck and the jazz band's drummer would just stfu and fuck each other, I mean REALLY, who the fuck do they think they're kidding? They made eye contact the other day! END GAME!), but in fact, the year had a bit more angst to dish out for him.

His stupid mean brother Cooper came to visit and pretty much shit all over everything. Blaine can't hear a Hanson classic like Mmm Bop without remembering Cooper's snide comments about his dancing. Cooper ruined Hanson for him! HE RUINED IT.

And the cherry on top of the angsty cake, probably iced with Blaine's own sweet tears... He and Kurt had a fight this week. And it was terrible. Awful. What a horrible week this has been.

At the moment, Blaine is sitting on the couch in his living room, wrapped up in a big, thick blanket. He's wearing the traditional uniform of someone who's had a rough week; sweatpants, a ratty old t-shirt and those super soft aloe socks. Don't judge, okay, sure they look silly but they are SO SOFT OH MY GOD. He has a tub of ice cream and the biggest spoon he could find on short notice, and he's been watching The Notebook on repeat all day.

Now, I have to tell you that I, the author, haven't seen The Notebook because it is severely lacking in explosions and Emma Stone in skimpy clothes. The only reason Blaine is watching it is because I heard it was really sad and angsty so there.

Anyway, Blaine heaves a mighty sigh as something sad happens in the movie. He shovels ice cream into his mouth and he just hates everything that ever happened.

Sure, he thinks, they made up. Kurt sang a song to him and it made him feel better. They went to 'counseling' with Ms. Pillsbury, which was weird because Blaine is almost positive she doesn't know what she's doing. Like, going to her for couple's counseling is like going to Panda Express for Chinese food.

And now Blaine wants Chinese food. He lets out a loud wail, and he just chokes down more ice cream.

"WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME," Blaine says around a big mouthful of Peanut Butter Panic, as well as his sobbing. What a pitiful mess.

Just then, he hears approaching footsteps. His mother appears in the door way. "Oh, goodness!" She says. "What are you doing, why are you sad?"

Blaine tosses the ice cream carton onto the floor in a fit of angst. "I'M NOT SAD," he says sadly.

"Oooh!" Blaine's mother coos, and she runs over to pick up the mess. Then she sits on the couch next to Blaine and gathers him up in a big ol' hug, squishy blanket and all. "Oh, my poor baby! Tell mama all about it."

"EVERYTHING SUCKS," Blaine wails into his mom's shoulder. She tuts sadly at him and Blaine elaborates. "Oh my God, I hate everything, like, oh my GOD. Kurt and I had a fight, and it wasn't like when we fight about Desperate Housewives or whether or not different colored M&Ms have different flavors. Like, a legit fight."

"Gracious!" Blaine's mom says. She is a very good audience.

"And like, we made up and stuff, so he's still going with me tomorrow to Breadstix for our super fancy date, but I'm still so sad and I hate being sad!"

"Oh honey!" Blaine's mom says. She kisses him right on his precious curly head. "You know what you need?"

Blaine is looking at the empty carton of ice cream sitting on the coffee table. "More empty calories."

"No, no. You need alcohol."

* * *

><p>Kurt is sitting at home, probably painting his nails or reading Vogue or something, when he gets the call.<p>

"Hello?"

"HEY BABEH"

"...Blaine?"

"OH YEAH~"

Kurt pulls his phone away to frown at the screen, sure he's being punk'd. The caller ID says BLAINE with a picture of, WAIT YOU HAVE TO GUESS. Right, it's a picture of a cocker spaniel puppy. Anyway, Kurt brings the phone back to his ear, feeling very perplexed. "Is everything okay, honey?"

"LIFE IS AWESOME KURT LIFE IS SO. DAMN. AWESOME."

"Huh. Okay. What's that sound?" In the background, Kurt can hear loud music. "Blaine Anderson, are you at a bar?"

"NOPE"

"Where are you?"

"KURT I LOVE THIS SONG, I LOVE THIS SOOONG! I'D GO ANYWHERE YOU GO, I'D GO ANYWHERE YOU GOOO~ ALL THE WAY, ALL THE WAAAY"

The face Kurt is making right now, I assure you, is fucking priceless. "...Who else is there?"

"MY MOM, HERE MOM, TALK TO KURT WHILE I JAM"

The phone is apparently handed off like a live grenade by all the noise and shuffling. Then, a female voice says "Oh, hello~" and there are giggles. Lots of giggles.

Kurt recognizes the voice. "Mrs Anderson?"

"Yes!" She says like a proud preschool teacher.

"Why is Blaine yelling and being crazy?" Kurt asks weakly, wondering if there might be a gas leak at the Anderson house or something.

"Oh, we're just having a little -hic- bonding time...! Blaine, dear, don't... Don't climb that, don't climb that. Hop on down, there you go..."

There is a loud 'thump' from the other end and a lot of swearing. Kurt can only sit in silence as, apparently, the phone is fumbled. Blaine picks it back up.

"KURT"

"Blaine? Are you okay?" Kurt asks.

"KURT I FELL AND I THINK I MIGHT BE DRUNK"

"Oh god," Kurt says. "Listen, Blaine. Listen. Are you listening?"

"Yeeesss~" Blaine says in a little sing-song voice.

"Okay. Go to bed and sleep this off. Don't go outside or you might cause the freaking apocalypse. Just go lay down."

"Kurt! Kurt! Oh my God, I needed to tell you something." Blaine says, sounding a bit hysterical.

Kurt sighs. "Okay, tell me."

"I LOVE YOU~"

Kurt takes this moment to facepalm. "Just go to bed, Blaine."

"HOKAY, LOVE YA BABE, BYE"

Once Blaine has ended the call, Kurt slowly puts his phone down on the bed next to him. He figures that Blaine has got to be the silliest drunk to ever exist. It's almost like, when he's sober, he's a gentleman lifted from high-society 1950's. When he's drunk, he's more like a certain hyperactive 25-year-old. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.

* * *

><p>end<p>

Yay! That was fun. Hope you enjoyed the silliness. I tried for more silliness and a bit less sardonic. :D Ending was kind of abrupt but oh well.

In case you were wondering, the song artfully used in this chapter is Dead and Gone by The Black Keys. No crazy context, it just happened to be what I was listening to when I got to that part of the song


End file.
